Thank you to sport for being so terrible and brilliant at the same time. Without you, my cosmic waffle would be used only for my friends, and they get enough as it is.
Thank you to all my fans... -haha, "fans" - for putting up with my rants, my blog/blag fever and my constant fucking use of metaphors, brackets and puns.
Thank you to my huge Russian following, I've had 9 readers in one month, you troopers! Due to the risk of major reprisals, I am not going to make any political jokes, as I would be Putin myself at risk. Sorry to my 9 USA readers, I hope you don't give me a Baracking (stop me before I make more terrible puns).
On with the blogging/blagging!
It's been a while since I talked about cricket, mainly because no-one likes cricket (they love it), but also because England have starting winning recently, and where is the fun in that?
So thank God they lost today, or my positivity would have taken me to places I haven't been to since watching The Pursuit of Happyness for the twelfth time. In the wake of their brilliant thrashing to Pakistan in the Test Series, England went into the one-day games with a beautifully English pessimism, but they defied the odds to win the series by four matches to nil. Just like Pakistan in the test matches, England only needed three players, as Steve Finn, Alistair Cook and Kevin Pietersen put in brilliant performances to send England to comfortable victories. Boring isn't it? “Oh England did good”, “England are brilliant again”, “let's all be happy”.
BUT THEY LOST TODAY!
Oh yes, after the test and one-day series, we had the first of three twenty20 matches today. England are actually number one in the world at twenty20 as well, so another pattern is clear for England: don't get good at something or you'll lose. Incidentally, after the twenty20 matches, England play in seven 5 overs-a-side and thirty three 1 over-a-side matches, how they finish is anyone's guess, if they care, which I don’t.
The point is, it's strange for someone as geeky (and sexy) as me to get bored at a sport as geeky (and sexy) as cricket, but I am. Sorry if this blog comes across the same - boring, not sexy - but I'm really bored of England vs. Pakistan now. I love cricket and I actually love England doing well, but I really can't be bothered anymore.
Usually people approach my love for cricket with cynicism and some pepper spray, as I sidle up to them with a toothy grin and an armful of useless stats. "It's so boring" they say. "You're a douchebag" I say back. There is nothing boring about a sport where nothing happens for 97% of it, it's intriguing. Anyone who says otherwise should be sent to Siberia...I mean prison. I start thinking that these people are responsible for "Broken Britain"...until I realise I don't work for The Sun. But maybe they're right. I know it's blasphemy to both cricket lovers and my army of international fans, but cricket is played far too much.
There are so many formats and so many matches and at first it's great if - like me - you love the sport to the point of masturbating with both hands at night, violently weeping at the agonies of another loss/scream at strangers in the street, decide to be nice to people, or give slightly too much money to homeless people after a victory. But even when that wears off - I did still yell “SUCK IT AFRIDI” at someone on the 15:28 to London Waterloo the other day - the fact remains that England have been in the UAE for over six weeks now, and it feels like a whole lot longer than that. It's been like watching Per Mertesacker and Andy Carroll in a 100 metre race or listening to a Nickelback song – exciting and interesting at first, but when nothing happens after two months, it gets boring.
So there you go, I have described a whole tour of cricket in about 800 words without mentioning a tiny detail of any match. That proves to me one of two things: a) it's been pretty uneventful or b) I'm a terrible writer. I really wanted to write about England playing cricket, but I can't remember any detail of it, it's just been terrible. I would say "if it was a boxing match, it would have been stopped by now" but I won't, because I'm not a moron, Mark Lawrenson, or a moron. Let's hope everyone sees sense and stops this tour so that I can get back to my degree and resume eulogising over the Europa League.
прощальный! (Or farewell if Google translate isn't working)